MOOD: Chill ( ꕤᴗ ᴗ)
[Date: Friday-Feb 20th]
Normal again.
Signing Off!
MOOD: Dead ( ×𐃷×)
[Date: Thursday-Feb 19th]
There’s a decay inside my gut that’s been festering for the last 10 years and has been rotting me internally and it’s turned me into a walking talking corpse years ago but I’m chill and full of whimsy so I am still loved by my friends and strangers. I am a delight to this world and I am the kindest corpse that anyone who’s met me has ever known. My gut is rotting and my lungs remind me constantly that they’re becoming tighter and yet I also know that the rot has been stagnant for a decade even though it remains. It feels slow and like it’s coming too fast and too soon. My body is melting from the inside. I’m aware of this and I’m aware of the fact that I died a decade ago and have been a corpse that continues to mold and rot for years and years. I am full of mold and maggots and I am also full of love for the world and the worms within my gut daydream about beautiful skies and get excited at the sights of clouds with me. I’m a strange, decaying form of life. But I am still life. I shouldn’t still be here and yet I am, because nature is stubborn and as one of its creations so am I. I love mold and worms and flies and all things that remind me of myself. Because they are rot yet they continue to exist in this world the same as I do. I wish I wasn’t a corpse, but I’m just glad that I’m still here right now. I still have a lot of things left to see. I’m not going to die for a long, long, long time. If something out there wants to bury me so bad they can wait because even if I’m already a corpse I’m going to keep moving even when all my insides finally melt and my flesh peels off and my blood dries up and flakes away, and even when I’m only a moving skeleton I’ll still be here and I’ll still be walking and looking up at the sky and going ‘damn the clouds look so cool today, I’m glad I can see them again. And I’m glad I’ll see them tomorrow too’.
(NOTE: I’m NOT having an episode I’m just in my feels about some medical and mental stuff that’s been going on with me lately. If the text wasn’t clear this isn’t me being suicidal. It’s more like, the opposite. Like I used to be suicidal WAAAY back, and since recovering I’ve always found myself in the ‘aftermath’ where I feel like I somehow both went through with it and also didn’t. My medical stuff that makes my body not work right also doesn’t really help and has made my body feel like it’s been slowly shutting down for ten years, even though I know it technically hasn’t gotten worse and is just in a stagnant state. The state of being human is fascinating yet also so very, very strange).
(If I was having an episode then how would I have the mental cognitive ability to go back and spellcheck everything? Checkmate liberals)
(Ok don’t think I’m having an episode but I might be having a something. Not a bad thing just a…something. None of what I wrote was an over-exaggeration though since they’re all my full real and true feelings. It’s probably just not good that it’s on my mind rn when it’s already past midnight and not even Thursday anymore and I started this train of thought today at like 8pm. hmmmmm)
Signing Off!
MOOD: Daydreaming ( 〃´𓎟`〃)
[Date: Thursday-Feb 19th]
MOOD: Coping (｡﹏｡”)
[Date: Thursday-Feb 19th]
Should I be up late worrying over the canon potential of a fan theory that would destroy the reputation of my absolute favourite rarepair? No. But alas my brain is doing me no favours again.
I’m gonna be real guys my absolute biggest fear in the bsd fandom is Sigmatsu being related somehow.
I have been SO obsessed with Sigmatsu for over 3 years now (heh Sigma’s age) and there’s no chance I’d be able to just drop it so easily if the worst case scenario happened. It’s just a rarepair but I’ve literally never EVER been so obssessed with a ship even in other fandoms.
I’m less worried about it affecting me shipping them since it’s not my first rodeo with this scenario and I can easily delve into my own AU where I tweak the story (If I had a nickel for eveytime a ship I liked was revealed to be related later down the line…).
Hell even made an AU where the Tanizaki’s weren’t related before the official reveal even happened. I’d adjust with Sigmatsu too after the initial shock.
My main fear is that people see me shipping Sigmatsu and think I’m shipping incest. Like rn we’re just a small rarepair that people find cute or bland when they see it. If the worst case scenario happened we can’t do absolute jack without people thinking the worst about us and our ship. The damage control would be CRAZY
( T^T).
(If Sigmatsu related reveal happens I’m hosting a group suicide at my house come on everyone.)
HOWEVER
If they’re revealed to be so connected to the point they’re almost the same person? THAT I can work with. That’s right up my alley. Take out the ‘in’ and add a ‘self’ to the cest and Sigmatsu is back on the market.
Anyway that’s it just needed to vent. It’s nearly 2am now Good Lord. Sigmatsu the power you have over me is somehow still surprising even after all this time.
Signing Off!
MOOD: Sick °‧( ╥﹏╥)｡‧
[Date: Sunday-Feb 15th]
Woke up with a sore throat and it’s still heeeeeerrreeee uuuugggghhh. Had to work this morning so that obviously didn’t help it but I’m just trying too rest my throat rn so that I can try and make it as good as I can for tomorrow’s shift. Cancelled my driving lesson so I’ll get time in the morning to myself at least.
My nose is a little runny but not so much that I think it’ll be a problem tomorrow. I think I can manage this. I’m stocked up on throat sweets and mints for now, and my work sells both if I run out. I can also go for a bit of time now without my throat feeling at it’s worse. It’s still noticeable but not to a point where I can’t stand it like earlier today.
Right now I’m just focusing on staying up long enough so that I don’t mess up my sleep schedule. Gonna get dinner in a sec, which will help since eating usually soothes my throat. Going into tomorrow prepared and as positive as I can be! I’ve got this!
Signing Off!
MOOD: Chill ( ꕤᴗ ᴗ)
[Date: Friday-Feb 13th]
Ooooh Friday 13th is here, spooky. But if I’m honest I’ve more often found myself having good luck on Friday 13th. It usually feels more like a special day for me than an unlucky one.
In good news, I went to the GP today for a test and I don’t have cancer!! Yippee!! They don’t know exactly yet what’s going on with me but the worst outcome’s been avoided so I should be fine. I’ll be having a blood test next week (like the billionth one lmao) and after that there should be one more test I think.
Signing Off!
MOOD: Guilty ( ｡ó﹏ò)
[Date: Thursday-Feb 12th]
MOOD: Lazy ( っ- ‸ -ς)
[Date: Thursday-Feb 12th]
Ok it’s morning now and I’ve thought more on the stuff from last night. I’m writing this entry but I’ve got that ‘we gotta go’ feeling in my chest so I’m just gonna write this quick to get it out.
I’ve decided I’m not gonna message my supervisor about the shift I clocked out late on and I’m instead just going to clock out early on my next shift, or whenever my next evening shift is which should be Monday. I can see it being possible that this doesn’t get noticed or bought up at least for a few days so I’m betting on those odds. I could even go to the bathroom 20 mins before the end of my next shift to clock out early.
I still have to go in to work today though because I obviously can’t leave the camera here. No one really uses it besides me anyway so I doubt anyone’s even noticed it’s gone. The problem is just that I have to walk in the cold for 20 minutes and 20 minutes back which I’m not looking forward to ( ╥‸╥). I’ll have my ipod at least so I’ll make up the walk with some songs.
Last thing I need to do today is message my GP, because there’s an appointment I need to book and I’m trying to weigh if it’s better to do it today or tomorrow because it’s an appointment I don’t really want to go to but have to.
Signing Off!
MOOD: TIRED ૮(˶╥︿╥)ა
[Date: Wednesday-Feb 11th]
I feel so sick after work, like not physically just emotionally. Though the emotions are draining me too ( T-T).
It’s not that anything particularly bad happened AT work, just a bunch of stuff after. Sat in the kitchen again after SO long of not doing that, so I messed up my sleep schedule and stayed there until 1am. Then I realised I had the work camera on me so now I have to go back in early to return it.
I also clocked out late, which isn’t normally a problem but because my work is running super short on spare hours I’m worried they’re gonna suspect that I tried to sneak an extra ten minutes on purpose since it’s not a secret that I’ve asked for any extra hours they have. I need to clarify it with someone tomorrow and get the exta clock off time taken off or else I know I’m gonna keep worrying about that.
So it’s nearly 2am now and here I am still up when I’d gotten so much better and getting into a routine. I usually go to the library on Thursdays to apply for animation jobs, but I’m considering just staying home tomorow because I feel like it’s better for me mentally to focus on catching my emotions back up to an average level. Depends on whether the emotional need for rest outweighs the emotional guilt over not applying for jobs on my shcedueled day.
Signing Off!